The Legend Of The Screaming Tunnel

In the times of jam sandwiches….

The legend of the screaming tunnel has no set date or credibility whatsoever but Niagrians will always drop a bullshit year on you to make the story sound semi believable but anyway here it is…Twas the year of jam sandwiches and the Delorean (1982), synthesizers were ruling the music world and somewhere, Huey Lewis was doing something important, but in Niagara Falls, more important things than HueLew were goin down…burning kids alive! Now the legend goes a little something like this, little Trisha Stanknelson lived in a house up the road from the soon to be “Screaming Tunnel”. She was an annoying girl whom no one in the neighborhood enjoyed spending more than 15 minutes with, including her parents, some speculate it was because she would gnaw on your arm or put your cigarette out after you lit it but one thing was for sure, she was an ass. On one night in particular, Trisha’s parents were listening to the new song “Hurts So Good” by John Cougar (sans the Melloncamp) when she came running into the living room on fire! Confused and stoned, her father threw the closest object (which happened to be an elephant lamp) at her and continued jammin’ to The Coug, eventually Trisha was able to put the fire out on her own with the alternate technique to stop, drop, and roll (run,jump,faceplant). It took nearly a year for Trisha to fully recover from her burns and in that time period no one came to visit her cause she was such a fuckin’ ass. Trisha came home to a 1983 household, which in comparison to 1982 was 10 years ahead of the curve, her fragile 1982 mind could not handle such advancements in awesomeness so she went to see a 1982 certified psychiatrist down on his luck. Through these sessions she revealed that she was pretending to be a car the night she lit herself on fire and that she thought that if you lit cars on fire, they would take off like rocket ships. Clearly disturbed, the psychiatrist through further sessions was able to label Trisha as a pyromaniac coupled with idiocy as well as being a complete dick, as she would constantly gnaw his arm and put his cigarettes out. Trisha’s parents were relieved to finally have their answers, they medicated her heavily and daily and constantly threw cheerios at her for good measure, they also made her listen to Olivia Newton John on a loop just as a payback for all the arm gnawing. After another year of cheerio throwing and heavy medication Trisha seemed to begin to normalize, her erratic behavior had ceased and she had even made a friend “Carl The Diddler”, now her parents weren’t concerned about Carl The Diddler’s diddling ways because this was now 1984 and Prince and The Revolution just released “When Doves Cry” so everyone was too busy doing that 80’s dance where you just swing your arms side to side, kind of like an early version of The Carlton but like whiter than a white black guy doing it…oh and The Running Man…Anyway the point is that they didn’t pay much attention, so one night Trisha hadn’t taken her pills and was starting to remember how to be a fucking idiot, so she went up to her room and called Carl The Diddler on her see through 80’s phone and told him to bring cigarettes so she could put them out. Carl being all diddly and stuff obliged and showed up in his ice cream truck, Trisha swan dived out her bedroom window and flat onto the ground breaking both collar bones and compacting her spine, but still slightly medicated she ignored this and sat on her swing set gnawing on Carl’s arm and putting out his cigarettes. This went on for 3 hours and Trisha’s brain fog was beginning to lift, she realized she enjoyed chewing on peoples arms and putting their cigarettes out, but not with diddlers, so she attempted to leave, Carl did not like this though and he knew that he could bring Trisha back with a flick of a match, so he reached into his trench coat pocket and pulled forth the matches that would start this stupid legend. Carl flicked a match and upon hearing this Trisha rushed to his side again and stared at the flame, when the match went out, Carl lit another, and another, and another, until the fateful moment when Trisha tried to eat the fire…Her hair sprayed and ugly 80’s hair burst into flames! She ran around in a circle not remembering how to put the flames out, screaming and doing 80’s aerobics, Carl laughed and threw more matches and said something stupid from the 80’s (the 80’s are terrible) Trisha ran down the street screaming at the top of her lungs towards the tunnel with Carl jogging eightily (made up 80’s term for slowly) behind her…then in the middle of the tunnel she collapsed still burning,crispy,and screaming, Carl walked up to her burning body and was pretty much like “fuck I just burned this girl” and tried to piss out the fire, but he was too sober and too late. Little Trisha Stanknelson’s ghost still haunts The Screaming Tunnel, egging on anyone to light a match so she can scream and blow it out….but not really cause it doesn’t work, HAHAHAHA FUCKING RUINED IT FOR YOU

Thanks for all your eyeballs spending some time

Hello, maybe you’re a repeat reader or maybe you are new, but I thought I’d drop in to tell you how much I appreciate you being here using your eyeballs to read my Inaccurate histories! What your brain is doing is none of my business but I’m sure you’ve found yourself here for various reasons, maybe you’re a twitter follower or maybe you wish to visit Niagara Falls, I don’t know, but what I do know is that I appreciate your non monetary business. Also I’d like to point out that nothing I write on here is for destructive purposes, Niagara to me is a shit hole with or without tourism and I’d expect anyone, anywhere, to be jaded when they see the same thing everyday. I also don’t hate tourists, I love hearing where people are from and what life is like elsewhere, and above all getting smashed on Clifton Hill is entertaining as all hell. So in conclusion enjoy my crazy histories and feel free to read up on them for yourself, there is a sliver of truth in all of my versions but I’m sure the true story is better. Thanks for reading and more to come

Schoellkoph Power Station Collapse aka The “My Bad” Situation

June 7th and 3/4 19 fitty and six

Upon Jacob Schoellkoph’s (German (Schöllkopf): variant of Schoeller, or a nickname for a nitwit, from Middle High German dialect schol ‘shallow’, ‘flat’ + kopf (standardized form) ‘head’.) release from a German sleep away camp in 1877, he immediately accomplished his dream of owning a hydraulic canal and power plant. Now as dumb of an idea this was, Jakey boy was not phased by the constant rumors that he had a “thing” for electricity, in fact, in the very popular 1800’s tabloid (Sexy Electricity) he was quoted as saying “Electricity? more like DElectricity” to which no one found funny. The demand for electricity was steadily growing in the Niagara region what with all the new red light districts popping up, so moving with the times, several improvements were made to the area, some of which included a power station and Water Hamster Turbines (a now extinct aquatic animal). These new improvements to the area also brought forth improved tourist attractions like the illumination of Niagara Falls! Some dude from Ohio asked Schoellkophitler to hook him up with some of that “lectriss” (which was slang for electricity) and the old system was thusly replaced with the Light-O-Tron 5000, sadly the guy from Ohio was vaporized by the Light-O-Tron and was never able to see the bug zapper effect it had on the tourists of the time. The plant operated soundly from its purchase until destruction, but behind the wall of the gorge where the shafts led to the hamster turbines, some shit was fucked…The seepage behind the wall caused by the acid from those Aliens from the movie “Aliens” was eating away at the supporting rock face behind the plant! *reader gasp now* In 1903 Jacob “Not a founding member of the 3rd Reich” Schoellkoph was doing battle with the Aliens from the future blockbuster quadrilogy in hopes to save his (not sexually fond of) power plant, but unfortunately he was old and succumbed to one of those face raping aliens. In his will he had stated that if for some reason an alien had raped his face and he was in a coma, that his sons Jacob Jr. and Hugo (aka Lt.Ripley) were to take over the plant and never tell anyone about the aliens or the seepage from their toilets. Fast forward to 19 fitty and 6 and the plant is running at full capacity, the plant employed a bunch of people but more importantly, Keanu Reeves was there working as a janitor..Now these hardcore working stiffs of the fitty’s were fighting boredom all the time due to the aquatic hamsters running the turbines, and with boredom came genius ideas for fun and games, one of which would be the end of the famous plant. On Thursday June 7th and 3/4, Keanu Reeves was working in the turbine room sweeping water seepage away from the powerful hamster turbines, while his friend Reggie (a known walrus lover) was fitting his mouth with popsicle stick teeth, when suddenly a ruckus broke out in the back of the plant. Keanu and Reggie arrived to find the crew of the plant engaged in a game (still played to this day) of Cold Ass, this is a game where you put your ass on a cold wall and run away from it, all while people hit you with mops. Keanu was upset that his friends had not invited him to this national treasure of a game and sulked away while Reggie followed saying “orf orf orf”, Keanu made his way to his favorite crying bathroom and noticed something slightly off about the room, water was all over the floor, toilets in pieces, and sinks were cracked in half, but being more concerned about missing Cold Ass he continued on to find somewhere else to cry with Reggie, his strange friend. On his way to a dark area of the plant he ran into Hugo (Lt.Ripley) who unbeknownst to Keanu was heading to fight Aliens in the walls, Hugo said “Hail, why are you sad mein liebshin” to which Keanu responded “I am sad because the guys didn’t invite me to play Cold ass in the back of the plant” Hugo was upset by this and in his most non dictator voice said “Nein Keanu..Nein, you must go to zhose bullies und say, I am Keanu Reeves, und I command you to stop playing das Cold Ass on zat wall, for it is dangerous and Hugo is not fighting Aliens behind it”. Keanu was overjoyed to hear that his boss had trusted him, a lowly janitor, with the task of shutting down the worlds greatest game, he promptly left to tell the men to knock off their shit, while Reggie (who actually might of been a walrus at this point) slapped his belly and scuttled off. Upon arriving at the ongoing game of Cold Ass Keanu was about to lay some knowledge on his friends, when he noticed they were doing the “Your Turn” a dance popular in the 1950’s and activation of your turn in the game, Keanu immediately forgot what he was going to say and ran at the wall backwards and bare bottomed. Now behind the wall, Hugo was battling the aliens with plasma burst rifles sending more acid onto the weakened structure when suddenly Keanu’s ass came through the wall, the aliens and Hugo stopped their fight and looked on as the structure began to wobble and heave, according to a mistress of a surviving alien (Annie Taylor), Keanu could be heard saying “My Bad..My Bad”. The retaining wall of the gorge began to topple on top of the plant sending the aliens poker table careening into the main turbine room creating an explosion that sent Reggie soaring through a window and into the Niagara River. 39 workers and Bratwurst Boy made it out of the un-collapsed section of the power station, Keanu was not persecuted for causing the collapse due to the revelation of alien acid eating the interior wall, Reggie was never found probably because he was a walrus pretending to be a human, who was pretending to be a walrus. Jacob and Hugo later opened a successful floating steel company which employed all survivors from the plant collapse including Keanu. As for Jacob Sr. well he was pronounced comatose in 1903 and died from Alien bustin’ out of his chest going “REEEEH! REEEEH!” and scuttling off the table! right?!…Fuckin sick.

Barrel Douche #1..The Gnarl Buket

19 fuckin’ 01

Annie Edson Taylor aka “Bad Bitch Malloy” ran a cat fight club in the seedy basement of her cousin’s whorehouse just north of the horseshoe falls. After a night of opium abuse and a high stakes game of parchesi, Annie was pitted against her favorite cat Lou The Shoe. The fight went on for hours with Annie and Lou exchanging punches and slashes, but in an odd turn of events, Lou splashed acid into Annie’s extremely attractive face rendering her blind and without a nose. Annie was obviously distraught and dropped into a deep depression, Lou The Shoe moved out of the cousin’s whorehouse to make things less awkward and start a music career. One day Annie got the confidence to return to hosting the cat fight club but this would prove to be done with nothing but malicious intent. While depressed, Annie had developed a keen sense of hearing and a deep hatred for the cat kind; Again in an opium fueled battle with a new contender “Mittens The Fucked”, a fight she appeared to be losing, was turned around thanks to her new abilities! She was able to defeat Mittens and encase him in a old bucket of butter. Realizing that her fight had rung throughout the human and cat society, she began to hold fights on nightly basis, kicking the shit out of cats from as far as New York City which was at the time named “The City Of Ham And Cheeses”. Annie’s winning streak was so popular that the whorehouse evolved into Niagara’s first hotel, but with great power came great responsibility, Annie’s collection of defeated cats were stock piling in the butter barrel and slowly reaching the rim so she came up with the most insane idea for self promotion in the history of Niagara Falls; She was going to ride the barrel over the falls. Soon the news had reached Lou The Shoe and not wanting to see his brethren die such a stupid death, murdered Annie’s cousin Syphilis Joe and sent his face to her, being blind, Annie had mistaken Joe’s face for a chamois and used it to polish her new horse. The day had come where Annie would ride her newly named butter barrel “The Gnarl Buket” over the Horseshoe Falls, she had also written “fuck cats” the name of her upcoming clothing company on the barrel as yet another shameless self promotion, unfortunately over the roar of the falls she had not heard Lou The Shoe open the barrel and release his friends. Lou climbed into the barrel and without anybody giving two fucks, allowed Annie to join him inside where he proceeded to kick her ass. The barrel was kicked into the river and sent over the falls, the fight that took place on the inside was one of epic proportion, no winner was ever decided but in Annie’s last ditch effort to destroy Lou’s face she splashed a jar of what she thought was acid on Lou but turns out that a salesman sold her white paint saying it was acid, thus creating the legend that Lou went in the barrel a black cat and came out white. Annie Edson Taylor was one of the first douches to ride over the Falls in a barrel, lose her face in a cat fight, use her cousin’s face as a chamois, and of course paint a black cat white. Her clothing company never took off because she was a bitch.

END

The Story Of The Stranded Scow

Sit down and listen to this royal fuck up!

Twas 1918, shit was going on everywhere but boats getting stuck were the “In” thing at the time. Up river from the mighty Horseshoe Falls some dredging shit was transpiring. Captain John Wallace had just sparked one up in his mighty tugboat the “Hassayampa” (which of course in English means “fucking boat”). This stupid named tugboat was towing a Scow with no name (which was politically correct at the time due to boat racism) and was being deck handed by two of the meanest deck hands in the north, Gustave lofberg and James Harris. The powerless barge…now it’s a barge…anyways, this completely useless floating dumpster filled with sand and shit decides it was gonna break loose and ghost ride itself. Jimmy and Nazi hamburger guy were stuck on this thing while it was whippin’ all over the place and It’s widely accepted that one of them punked out and wanted to build sandcastles. Anyway, Johnny “Rapey Boy” Wallace in his tug boat is all stoned and just right out bailed on chasing after the thing and drives off to the nearest harbor town for some “strange” with the local whores while the idiots on this floating turd are building sandcastles and clippin’ down the river to their deaths. Some people on shore say that after a long romp in the sandcastle construction process these hardcore deckhands used their sea toned wits and developed makeshift ores to slow the MASSIVE STEEL BARGE FILLED WITH SAND, with surprisingly NO RESULT! Also, other reports say that “Not A Nazi” Lofberg tossed a 1 ton concrete anchor into the water but it didn’t hold….just like the bullshit story that he probably told. So anyways these extremely strong and genius guys are completely devoid of feces at this point (due to the shitting of their pants) and were heading straight at The Falls at full speed, and BOOM! the piece of shit ramped up on some rocks. So there they were, two brave deckhands aboard a useless floating dumpster….These were what seemed to be supernatural beings now trapped out in the middle of the Niagara River completely devoid of shit and moving 50 tons to the front of the barge MANUALLY to keep it on the rocks, people started showing up from all over the place to see this unbelievable spectacle of super humans vs. nature. So while they were waiting to get rescued, Adolf with safety in mind decided to tie himself to the boat, while Jimmy “all american” tied himself to a barrel, these maneuvers would go down as the smartest things to do in history. Rescue boats could not be used to save these incredibly smart and strong men,(because it was stupid) so a large grappling hook cannon on top of the Hydro building began firing a large heavy hook and rope at the unstable barge. None of these attempts worked with the shitty Canadian gun and one fireman was quoted as saying “fuck this noise, I got tickets to moving pictures” Then the Americans showed up and used their grappling hook cannon which worked but everyone bitched out and got tired because it was hot out and ropes were too heavy. So night time rolled around and everyone was tired except the super humans who were playing jacks to pass the time, the firemen on shore were flopping on the ground like catfish for some reason and during this flopping a large manatee taco creature suggested using a “Breeches Buoy” which no one had because you were weird if you owned one in 1918. So some guy eventually showed up with one and was labeled weird immediately, before midnight they attempted to send it out to the superhumans, but it fucked up and they quit but not before making a weird spotlight message thing to tell them they had not been completely fucked yet. Morning came and everyone was hungover and reeking of weed but absolutely pumped to get the superhumans on land and in the circus, thousands of people had shown up and began partying and throwing flaming garbage at the rope to fuck with the Loafman and Jimmy Smits. As the weirdo’s breeches buoy made it’s way to rescue the assholes, the shit gets tangled so pretty much everyone said fuck it. The rest of the story will remain a mystery and full of confusion and slurs, so much alcohol was consumed and party’s had that no one has a direct recollection of the events. Red Hill Sr. was eventually credited as saving the men, while others say a Labrador Retriever named Clem used his telekinesis to bring the men to shore.

“We are so dumb for riding on this boat” -Super Nazi and Jimmy Boy

The Legend Of The Drunk Maid Of The Mist

Ah, the legend of the Maid Of The Mist..

Not to be mistaken with the modern day boat ride, this legend is of a bet gone wrong and foolishness of a drunk native woman waaaay back in times of old. The legend goes as follows. One night a bunch of natives were chillin’ out by the fire up the road from Niagara Falls gettin’ higher than a fetus in the womb of a irresponsible teen mother. The Indians (mainly due to paranoia) feared the Thunder God “Loud Ray” and thought he was poisoning their water supply to fuck with them. So Shawn, the Indian chief was like “OK I figured it out, every year we throw a bunch of munchies in a canoe and let them go over the falls to keep the Thunder God happy”. Being completely looped off of peace pipe raves and all night parties the entire tribe set forth in hooking the Thunder God up with the best munchies they had at the time, which just so happened to be some fruit and shit. The tribe thought these weak ass munchies didn’t appease the Thunder God cause the water kept getting fucked up, so Shawn’s right hand man Bongo came up with the wise idea that instead they’d throw the finest girl in the tribe in a canoe and send her ass over The Falls in hopes that the Thunder God liked women..just once a year. So this shit went on for like 2 years probably and nothing was changing so Shawn was like “shit well all we got left is my daughter to toss over” and Bongo was like “man that’s a buzzkill but like shes the only hottie left” which was bullshit because Claudia from 3 tents over was fine according to historical records. So anyway they get Shawn’s whack ass named daughter Lelawala or Waka Flocka, whatever! And go to the brink of The Falls to toss her over in the whitest canoe they had (which was the equivalent to a 68 Caddy at the time), she was also dressed out in deer robes and Converse moccasins (the equivalence of low cut jeans and a tube top with some Chuck Taylors) to appease Loud Ray. So before she walks out into the canoe she turns to the entire tribe and was like “OK I’m going, but first I wanna get shitty with you guys” So of course the tribe was like fuck well we’re here, might as well make a party out of it. The party went on hard for a solid 5 hours, peace pipes were smoke em’d and drinks were flowin’ Bongo cheated on his heinous wife with Claudia and Shawn puked all over the place, all while Lelawalawakaflockahumbuddllegum was layin’ down the odds of survival to the tribe across the river through smoke signals. Finally after the party cooled down and shit got easy, the last of the fine Indian women of the tribe boarded her sick canoe, she turned and said to the crowd of friends, family, and occasional fuck buddies “10 barks says I live” (barks was currency probably) the canoe was then shoved into the river and launched over the brink with Lelawalahumbuggadooga screaming “I’M WASTED”. Now Chief Shawn in his stoned and drunken daze realized an important factor, number one being that Lelawala was his daughter and the second being that he had custody that weekend, Chief Shawn not wanting to get fucked over in divorce court jumped in his canoe and went over after his daughter. Like midway down, Loud Ray The Thunder God was hanging out with his two sons, Ryan and Kevin. When they heard Lelawalanukabsandwich barreling down The Falls, Loud Ray thought it was more shit munchies, he reached out and caught her ass promptly missing Chief Shawn who smashed into the rocks below, his canoe exploding in a massive fire ball. Ryan and Kevin were like “daaaamn” when they seen the fineness of Lelawalathrombosisoftheliver and both wanted to slam her, so in her drunken state she said “OK, one of you’s guys get me, whatever, but you gotta give me the 411 on the poisoning river bull ish”. Ryan the oldest looked to his father and said “yeah it was him” and Kevin was like “nah, it’s this snake fuck that lives upstairs”. Being in a complete Scooby Doo mystery situation, Lelawala4barreledcarboretur decided she’d ask Loud Ray himself, in which he replied “fuck off, I’m doing crosswords, check out that snake fuck”. Trusting in Loud Ray and Kevin’s testimony she ventured back to her tribe in spirit form which blew the minds of like everyone there and said “Yo, Loud Ray’s kid said some snake fuck is poisoning the river, he lives down the road and we gotta go smash on him”. The tribe literally believing this ghost girl was like “shit, well we just killed you so this must be true” so they followed her to the snakes hangout and threw rocks at him until he popped up from the river. The snake rose from the depths and was like “sup?” and they were all like “the fuck snake dude, why are you poisoning us like once a year?” and the snake was all like “I get bored and shit so I poison your water supply and eat your dead” then the tribe was like “ah fuck, that’s messed up snake”. Pissed off and drunk the Indian Braves (the baseball team I think) beat the fuck out of the snake one night and mortally wounded him, and were like “don’t do that shit again”. A year passes and the Snake gets bored and pulls the shit again! On his way back to his place, his head gets stuck on one side of the river and his tail stuck on the other! So he’s all drunk probably and can’t get lose and just fucking dies, like right at the fucking brink of the water fall, right near his house, and I shit you not, his corpse forms a semi circle! That’s how the Horseshoe Falls were formed, a big ass drunk snake coming home after fucking with the Indians up the road. Now as for Lelawala, she goes back all ghostly and marries Kevin which automatically makes her some kind of God too, so she settled on The Maid Of The Mist as her name, primarily because she has to clean up all the shit that goes over The Falls and of course Loud Ray, Ryan, and Kevin’s empties and cigarette butts.

THE END.